Ok, so Chris is a dork!!!  He wrote the blog like I asked him to but made it read as though I had written it.  He has such a sense of humor.  I'd laugh if I didn't feel like crying.  I actually can't stop crying.  Yesterday, after we got home from the doctor I called r insurance company and put Rye on.  Chris really can't drive he is in soooo much pain.  It's crazy to think that IT'S time, time for me to start having Rye help me.  Last night as I was sitting in the parking lot of Chick fil a at 10:40 pm I was not a happy camper.  I'm going to have Rye drive me around for a few more days just to make sure I feel comfortable with him going out by himself.  I've tried to explain the "no friends in the car for 6 months rule" but he's fighting me.  I'm not quite ready to give up control. (didn't get to finish blog got to busy now....)
9/27/2012
Yesterday, was a VERY emotional day.  It started with Chris not getting much sleep, sleeping on the couch because of the pain and Katie in the morning before school going downstairs to Chris kissing him on the cheek and telling him to get up for her field trip it was time to go.  I told Chris that I would take the kids to school and then come back for him (he can't drive - sooo much pain).  I came home after listening to Katie talk and talk about how her dad was coming on the field trip.  Went home and Chris was still on the couch (he had to be at the school at 8:45, bus leaves 9 and it was 8:32).  When he tried to get up he almost fell.  So, much moaning and groaning in pain.  He couldn't walk up the stairs.  He CRAWLED (yes, I'm crying - it was awful to watch).  I asked him if I could go to the field trip instead.  He said "no, that he couldn't disappoint Katie." (which would have been an understatement! and being only 6 years old would not have understood)  He had me get him 3 Ibuprofen, which isn't like him.  (On Tues. the doctor asked him what his pain was at 1 being not much and 10 being awful.  He said a 9!!!!!!!)  We made it to the school on time.  Katie was sooo excited.  Chris rode the bus.  I cried as I walked to my car to head up to the zoo.  There was no way in heck that Chris could wrestle with 5 six year olds.  If I'm exhausted from watching him I can't imagine what he is feeling.  He did a great job in the zoo.  He made a few painful faces as we walked up and down the hills in the zoo.  After the zoo we headed to a park for the kids to eat lunch and play.  I guess some of the other mothers noticed that something was wrong - they told Chris that they would watch his group if he wanted to go home with me.  Of course Chris said "no"  When we got back to the school the teacher told me Chris had fallen asleep on the bus.  He was sooo tired.  I got him home and immediately he was asleep (after I gave him more ibuprofen).  Just before we started reading scriptures last night as a family Chris said "I never imagined..." (he didn't finish) and I said "what?" and he said "I had hoped that I would go instantly not have to go through this. . . "
 I've tried to keep this under wraps but now ... we have another worry.  Chris decided a few months ago that he wanted to spend the rest of his life insurance policy money on "one last trip to Disney World" soooo we are suppose to leave Oct. 30th. But Chris can't sit/walk very well (when he plays the computer he either kneels on the floor, or stands). I have been coordinating with all 18 teachers to let them know what is going on and that soon we will be sending a paper around for them to give us some homework (oh, joy:)!!!  and getting done what I need to for PTA while I'm gone (I'm suppose to feed the teachers)  This has been a major stress on me.  Knowing that the money will be all gone (but wanting Chris to be happy), 2 weeks worth of homework/projects/tests to clean up when we get back and remember Rye has 3 college classes (just paid $131.00 for his chemistry book).  I have been asking Heavenly Father to help me "stay calm" and know that I can get everything done. That will be alright (money wise- it's just been nice to have a cushion/savings) and of course to look forward to the trip and then to have fun (it will be:).  I don't want to ruin it for anyone especially Chris.  He is sooo excited.  He has been working on r Halloween costumes.  We are each going to be a character from Jack and the Neverland Pirates.  Rye is Captain Hook (oh, and Meg isn't coming).  Oct 30 -Nov 13th.  We will be there for Halloween and then get to enjoy Christmas.  So, Tuesday after his test we will need to decide what needs to be done so that Chris can go on the trip.  Whether it is radiation to try and shrink the tumor off his nerve, or chemotherapy to try and shrink it or both.  The oncologist reminded Chris that he bounces back pretty quick after chemo (ha, ha) so maybe 2 rounds of chemo before leaving.  We honestly don't know what is going to happen.  Last night Chris slept on the couch for awhile then came to bed.  Are bed is tall and he moaned and groaned and then . ..  (yes, I'm sobbing)whimpered as he tried to get "comfortable"  He told the doctor that he didn't want any pain meds but behind his back I asked for some.  He took 3 more ibuprofen this morning but said that the ones he took lasst night didn't do anything and that he had maybe only slept for an hour.  He didn't fight me when I suggested taking pain pills just at night so he could sleep.  so, after I finish this I'm heading to the hospital to get his loratab (and sign my life away - lol).  I know I've had four years to prepare myself for this but I can tell you "I'm not ready!!!!"  My stomach churns and churns and I have to pull from inside of me every ounce of patience (for my kids) and every ounce to keep going to keep doing the daily things that need to be done.  It is sooo hard to watch Chris in pain.  Maybe this is the Lord's way of making it easy for are family to let him go.  You hate to see the ones you love suffer.  And I definitely CAN'T stand watching this feeling sooo helpless.  I've been helpless many times but this time feels worse because I know the end is coming and that it will probably only get worse.  Just like putting Rye on our car insurance - one step closer to the end - needing Rye to help because Chris can't. Rye asked if he could drive the car to school today and I told him "no" he asked "why?" and I told him that he couldn't have the car til Chris died.  I wanted Chris to be able to go somewhere if he wanted to.  Rye said he can't drive and I said "I know but I'm not ready to give up yet."  I am mentally beaten down right now but HAVE to keep going.  I have to many people relying on me.  I don't know what the future holds for us.  Will we make it to Disney world?  I don't know (we did buy insurance) and if he dies will I still take the kids and go? I don't know.  The Lord knows the big picture I just have to trust. 
Love ya, Ricki
Cross country coach asked Chris to ride the bus to the meet today and Chris told him he couldn't:((((  You know he's hurting!!!!