Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Last Sunday (April 13th) Ryan and his young men's leader brought the sacrament to Chris.  I am so grateful that my son is worthy to bless the sacrament - especially for his dad.  It is very touching to have the sacrament performed in a bedroom with a sick person and even more when it is father/son.  We live in a wonderful ward that has some great young men and leaders that are so great at giving service.  Unless, you've been sick enough to not attend church for weeks/months I don't think you realize how much it means to the person that you are performing it for.  And what a great thing that the young men learn.
Chris has been mentioning that his temple recommend was expiring at the end of the month and that he would like to get it renewed. So when I was at church last Sunday I asked the Bishop if he could come to the house and interview Chris.  He of course said "yes." and a member of the stake presidency happened to be at are ward so I asked if he could also come over and interview Chris and of course he said "yes."  Chris will never use his temple recommend but to have it and know that you are worthy of it means a lot.  It puts things in perspective for the rest of us:)  Thank you Bishop and Bro. Thacker for making time to come over.
Sunday, was also Chris and I's 24th wedding anniversary.  Chris was sooo thoughtful, he asked Jim to go and get me a present from him.  Chris asked him to get me some bubble gum ice cream from Baskin Robbins.  One of are favorite things to share. He also wrote me a love note.  Yep, I'm crying.  Even in tons of pain and not feeling well he still thinks of me and the gift was more than thoughtful because it came from the heart.  something that we have shared through the years (especially when we were dirt poor and that's all we could afford to celebrate with).  I'm thankful also that we have a friend like Jim who would take time out of his busy life and help Chris get a gift for me.
Friends and family came over to help with the sadness of the day.  We all played cards for awhile.  I went into check on Chris.  I laid next to him as we both listened to all the fun noise coming from the kitchen.  It TOTALLY broke my heart.  It sounded like everyone was having so much fun.  Chris asked a few questions about who was winning and I told him some "moves" that Jacob was making that he had taught him.  It just hurt so, so, much to think of Chris laying in bed in tons of pain not able to play and having to listen to all the fun going on around him.  We laid head touching head (we do that a lot) since everything else hurts to be touched.  That same evening I got out our wedding album and we showed the kids.  They had a good laugh at the 80's clothes and hair:)  It was a nice "last anniversary." 
On Tuesday, Chris felt like he needed to do what the Bishop had asked him to do - which was to write down his testimony.  It was difficult for him.  He got mad at the noise and was in tons of pain as he sat in his wheelchair and typed it on the computer.
Taylor's Eagle scout paperwork got lost and so I called to head quarters and they found it - thank goodness.  Sometimes I really wonder - "Why?"  Tay and I have talked and we've decided that we are going to have Tay's Eagle awarded to him here at are house.  I had forgotten that their was a father's pin, so now I'm moving this along faster to get it done.  I've sent messages to Tay's leaders that he wants to give the mentor pins to.  Will make it special by having his favorite cake:)  and will still embarrass him with a slide show.  Simple, but then Chris can enjoy it also.  Thank goodness Tay is my "shy" one.  He was very happy not to have a night that was all about him.:)
Now - a hodge podge of random things:)---- Rye passed his TB test, I cancelled his colonoscopy because I was to stressed out to deal with it (we can do it in the summer - and it didn't break his heart he was way glad to be able to spend spring break with his friends), Chris has all kinds of cravings at all differet times of the day.  Mostly at night.  Apollo burger, milky way bar, 3 musketeers bar, cinnamon rolls (yes again - this time from the freezer section:), bean burrito from Taco Time, rice bowl from Rumbi Island........ he doesn't eat much but it makes him happy. We are so grateful to those of you who have brought us meals.  They just keep appearing:)  One night a friend brought us "Thanksgiving dinner"  it was totally awesome!!  Everything you eat at thanksgiving was there.  I swear she must have been cooking alllll day!  Tay and I enjoyed the pumpkin pie.  We split it in half because no one else likes pie. It was awesome!!  Also a dear, dear friend who lives wayyy over on the east coast sent us Easter gifts.  She spoiled us ROTTEN!!  My kids will never look at Easter the same again:)  Easter is not my favorite holiday, Chris usually does it because he knows I'm not crazy about it -( give me any other holiday and I'm all over it). So, she was my sweet angel that took over the holiday.  I was in a rut and she came to my rescue.  I'm sooo grateful that she listened to the prompting that she had.  She has her own trials with her husband who has cancer and yet she bent down to pick me up.  I need to be more like her, she is an amazing woman.  In are trials we can look around and see someone who is worse off and to me that is her (don't tell her. lol).  Thank you for being a disciple of Christ.  I love ya girl!   We got spoiled by are favorite aunt and uncle from California this week.  Aunt Wanda and Uncle Ray came to see us.  They were going to buy us pizza and have it delivered but Chris insisted that we go out to eat.  We had a wonderful visit with them.  They bought us lunch and then insisted on buying us an Easter gift - the new Hobbit movie. Made the kids very happy.  We just love you guys:)  Chris is still getting up in the night.  He tends to get up around 4:30 am and need something to eat.  One night he grossed me out!  He had chocolate chocolate chip cookie that he put Laughing Cow cheese on and then had me pour milk on it and then he wanted me to sprinkle cinnamon and sugar on it!!!!!  He ate most of it.  He is also falling down atleast twice a day.  He's had two really bad falls.  He can't get up and needs help.  On a lighter note it reminds me of those Life Alert commercials that we make fun of -"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"  That is one reason why we can't leave him at home a lone anymore.  I usually go to the temple once a week and the last four weeks I've been lucky to have Jacob home so he could take care of things (he's my most responsible kid:) now I will need to ask for help from family and friends.  There is no way he can be left for 3 1/2 hours alone:(
Biggest news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I got a letter on Friday from the Social Security department/Medicare and all I have to do is fill out some papers.  Pay $839.26  and I can have Chris' medical bills paid back all the way to August 2013!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Major, major blessing!!!!    I'm so grateful.  What a relief to Chris especially to know that as soon as these two things are done that he can stop kicking himself "for the mess he says he put his family in."
Sorry, once again to all my friends who are "English" grammar nazis.  I'd love to tell you that I messed up things on purpose - but I didn't.  I just wasn't paying attention in school - to many cute guys to look at. lololol.
Love you all tons.  I'd write more but my chair is being pulled away from me ----- someone else wants to "play" on the computer. lol

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Right after I finished posting the last blog that I wrote I went into check on Chris and he had gotten himself fully dressed and was "trying" to go somewhere.  We couldn't understand where he wanted to go.  Rye worked that night and when he came home he had brought a Slurpee for Chris (yep, I cried).  Thursday morning (around 12:30am) Chris fell out of bed. At 4:30am he got fully dressed including cologne!!!!  That afternoon Jim (my brother in law and Chris' friend growing up) came and stayed with Chris so that the rest of us (along with cousins, aunt and grandma) could go bowling.  Jim was kind enough to take Chris to a hardware store (Chris still wants to finish the cabinet in the basement bathroom).  I think the place is called Homes for Humanity they have stuff to make houses (I've never been there).  Chris wanted to buy something and Jim was smart enough to pull the guy aside and ask him if the parts that Chris buys could be brought back  (he explained the situation) and the gentleman gave Chris the parts for free :) (insert crying).  Because things are a little more complicated with just leaving the house I had promised the kids bowling three days in a row.  We finally got to go but....that made it so that I wouldn't have time to make a nice dinner for the Sister missionaries that I had signed up a few weeks ago to feed.  ........and no way was I backing out!!  In Portugal someone is feeding my daughter and sometime soon someone, somewhere will feed my son:)  So....I took them tooooo...... Chick fil A (did you guess it before I said it????:)  Perfect.  I got my meal free because I work there, Tay had been the cow and had a free meal, and missionaries get 50% off their meals.  It was a little stressful getting there and back in an hour but we did it and thank goodness they like Chick fil A (I even fed them dessert - hee, hee).  Funny story- while we were at Chick fil A we left Rye home to watch Chris (yes, we brought him home food) and some kind woman came by and brought us the yummiest chicken enchiladas.  Funny part (or maybe embarrassing).....Rye couldn't remember who brought them.  We went over what she looked like.  A few details of what he remembers her being in church activities.....anyway........I thanked all the people I thought it could be from his description......they were all wrong!!!  So.......the person who made the yummy chicken enchiladas (I need the recipe) will you please make yourself known to ME (not to my kids - lol and thank you).  We have gone over phone etiquette (writing down name and number on paper if I'm not home) and.....writing down names of people who come by, if I'm not home.  (If you came by last night Rye knew one of your names and the other I had to play "the guessing game" thank goodness you left recipes from the wonderful meal you brought last week -because I was able to figure it out. lol. and Katie loved the birds nest that you made :))
When I left Chris that evening to go to Chick fil A he wasn't very coherent.  Lots of mumbling and jerking motions.  Some neighbors came by to see him later and he talked with them just like he was fine and then some of his young men came over to visit and the same thing happened.  He did kick the young men out after awhile because they were to noisy. lol.  Boys to noisy?? 
Thank you again to all of you who have come by and checked on us, spoiled my kids with love and attention,  brought us treats (to die for cinnamon rolls - which are all gone - hint, hint McDonald family:), Wes, who took Chris to Lowe's last week. Brought us meals (I've gotten new recipes to add to my recipe book).  I haven't asked for meals but some of you know me way to well and either just bring them or tell me your making us a meal and I can either eat it that night or put it in the freezer for later (good one!!! You got me). 
Thursday to Friday and Friday to Saturday Chris slept through the night.  Man it is amazing what sleep can do for a person.  I feel nicer than usual!!!!  (Don't try me!!)
Last night Jacob left for a scout camp out.  He was worried about going that Chris might die while he was gone.  I told him that he wouldn't that the nurse had come earlier and checked all his vitals and that everything seemed fine.  I also told him that I had already gotten all the cell numbers from the leaders going that had Verizon because where they were going - only Verizon works:):):):)  He smiled real big at that comment. Go Verizon!! Lol.     And of course later that night Chris was in so much pain alllll over and he kept grabbing his chest.  He told us "goodbye" that he wasn't sure if he was going to wake up tomorrow and that he hoped not to.  I kind of got mad at him and told him that he better not make a Liar out of me!!!  I told him what I had told Jacob.  He said he "would do his best not to die that night - but the next night was fair game!"
When I think of my sister in law and all the work she had to go through with my brother in law for two years and not being able to leave the house because she couldn't leave him alone and every night for two years not sleeping through the night because she had to give him his meds I cry.  I'm not handling "just this week" all that well and right now I'm spoiled.  I have wonderful friends and relatives who have stayed with him or my kids who are off track (and neighbors they can call if they need to) and spring break this coming week.  I don't know how she did it. I don't know how I will do it when this spring break/off track time comes to a close (April 22). I've been spoiled to do all the things I enjoy outside of the house for five years. 
 I  know that my Savior lives that he suffered all that Chris is suffering and all that the rest of the family is suffering and will suffer after Chris is gone.  I am so grateful that I can turn to him every minute of the day for guidance and comfort.  One of the speakers in General Conference talked about a person that would never trade their trials if they could.  I can relate.  This has, is and will be a difficult trial but because of it I have learned so much, come so much closer to my elder brother and my Heavenly Father.  I know they love each of us and will do all they can in their power to be there for us we just have to "call."  We love each of you so much.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Last night was better. The doc prescribed sleeping pills for him.  He fell at 2:30am and 5am.  At 5am  he asked me what I had done with his hamburger:(  At 11:30 pm last night Rye went in to say "good night" to Chris.  I stood in the hall so I could hear.  Rye asked him if he could get him anything and he covered him up.  Chris kept mumbling and making jerking motions as he went in and out of sleep.  Rye started to cry.  I cried watching Rye - my heart hurting for him and what he had to see.  He doesn't have to see it as much because he is at school.  He and I sat on the floor next to each other just watching and listening to Chris. It was one of those moments that I will never forget.   I am thinking of taping him this way so that when I miss him and wish he was here I can watch - then I will remember how happy he is in the spirit world.  So, then I won't be selfish anymore - missing him.  It is such a blessing that Meg got to talk to Chris Monday.  I think she would have had a very hard time seeing him the way he is now.  All the things they talked about.  speaking in Portuguese.  Yes, he fell a sleep a few times while we were talking but at least you could understand him.  I'm sooo sad for my children.  What they have to go through.  Today, Chris kept yelling Taylor's name and then he got angry with him because he didn't know "where he had put the hot water."  I just keep telling them that this isn't dad and that someday we will tease daddy about the funny things he said and did. That we can get through this.  We're a team.  We love daddy and hope that he can find peace soon. I also tell them to just go along with it - we are acting - impromptu. lol.   For years I have prayed that we could be spared from this situation.  That he would just die in his sleep.  That we wouldn't have to watch him shrivel to nothing and watch his brain go along with it.  The answer I received was:  "Others have done it, so can you."  Not the answer I wanted:(  
The nurse came over today and asked Chris about the last two nights.  He doesn't remember any of it.  The nurse helped me put all of Chris' meds in a pill box so that we can better manage what he is taking.  Last night he and I got in a "pulling war" as I tried to take my muscle relaxer pills out of his hand.  He kept telling me that they were his and I kept saying no, their mine.  I won.  I got my pills from the dentist because my jaw and ear were killing me - I guess I clench my teeth at night.  I only take one before bed.  I'm so grateful for them.  I was in a lot of pain thanks to the clenching teeth thing - now it's way better.  and yes I did hide them.  The nurse told me also that the doc told her that she believes that all of this is happening because of meds and the tumor in his brain. 
Today, Chris fell down the stairs.  We all ran down to help him.  He asked Rye to help him up and Rye basically picked him up and put him on his feet.  Yep, I cried.  We aren't sure where he was going.  Maybe to do laundry. lol. He also lost a filling in his molar. Today, he also limped around the house with one shoe on and one shoe off.  I took him off the car insurance policy today.  Yep, I cried. Just got done fighting with him about the pill box.  I'm now hiding the pill box.  He ran out of morphine but the pharmacy currier just called and said that she would be here in 15 minutes. I now not only get crabby when "mom" is yelled to often but now "Ricki" is starting to make me crabby.  I'm telling myself to "enjoy" these moments.  I will miss them - someday.  "I think I can, I think I can."
Welp, I think I'd better get to bed incase I need to get up during the night.  I'm grateful that my kids are sound sleepers.  They haven't heard anything the last two nights.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I wasn't going to write so soon but this morning starting at 1:30 AM Chris fell out of bed while trying to get back in.  Then at 2:30 am he fell trying to get out of bed.  At 3 am he went to the kitchen to get some food. 4 am got himself dressed including his shoes, turned on all the lights in the house and was yelling to everyone that he was ready to go and get dinner.  At about 5 am he was yelling Taylor's name.  At 6:45 am he was pulling cords out from the tv.  I told him to get in bed he should be sleeping and I started to cry.  He then went to his meds and handed me a lorazapan (which is for anxiety - which he won't take himself).  That is definitely not like Chris, he is totally, totally against sharing meds.  If it doesn't have your name on the bottle you don't use it.  At 7:30 am he went and got more food.  8:00 am he went to take his plate back in the kitchen.  Katie was playing the computer and I heard him mumbling to Katie.  She asked him three times "what?" finally I understood him.  He wanted to know if Katie's cousin Aubrie was here.  He knows that they are in St. George right now:(
I went and checked on him around 9:30 when I heard a thump and found him on the floor playing with a bar of soap.  I tried to get him back on the bed but he wouldn't move he just kept resting his head on the side of the bed.   I called the nurse this morning and she is going to come over and check him out.
This is absolutely crazy because yesterday he was tired but NOTHING like this. Monday's are my favorite day of the week, especially Monday mornings:)  Like usual I got my email from my dear, sweet missionary.  She sounded great.  Then a few hours later I got an email from the mission president asking if Meg could please talk to her father one more time.  That she has been talking about him a lot.  We arranged for the time to be noon here (seven there). Meg was a little late getting on.  The phone card that she used last time wasn't working (she said it still had 200 minutes on it) so they ran and bought one - she asked the clerk if it was the right one, he said yes.  Well, it wasn't so Meg decided to Skype us.  Chris came out to the kitchen to talk with her.  He kept falling asleep even though Meg and her companion were full of energy.  They get a long great.  They laughed so much at each other, it was fun to hear and see them.  I'm mad at myself because I thought I had turned on the video part of my phone and so I missed the three of them singing in Portuguese "I Stand All Amazed"  it was beautiful!!!!!  (Chris said "no redo's")  Meg and Chris once again had the heart felt conversation of not coming home and he was proud of her.  She bore her testimony in Portuguese to him.  She mentioned that she would need dental work when she got home and Chris said that she would have to pay for that herself because once he dies so does the insurance.  She acted like that was the first time she had realized that.:(  also about having such an amazing Verizon phone plan.  That definitely threw her for a loop. You should have seen her face (glad we were on Skype lol). :):)  We have been very blessed to continue to have insurance and to still be on the amazing data plan that Verizon offers to their employees.  It will be a shock to all of us to give up the unlimited data usage that we have.  And as you have read I continue to get everything done that we need insurance for.

Chris' episode has thrown a curve ball into my day.  I am wayyy tired and had already promised the kids that we would do something fun today since yesterday got changed because of Megan.  Lots of Dr. Pepper for me:)  Now we will just wait and see what the nurse says.  At this moment I wouldn't leave him home alone. He is finally sleeping. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

I want to thank all of you for your prayers, visits, words of encouragement (through email, phone calls, text, facebook) and treats.  You keep us going.  I'm so glad that Chris is getting to hear, here in this life what he has meant to so many of you. We've had some touching moments as some of his young men have come over and thanked him for his example and shared stories of good times they had together. We love all of you so much and are so grateful to each of you.  Keep the Dr. Pepper coming!!:)P:) lol jk
Chris does look better than he did on Tuesday.  I was pretty sure it was the end.  I called the hospice nurse and she came over and checked his vitals.  all normal.  She and the doc decided to take him off of one of his meds.  That has made a big difference in his sleeping all day and not eating or drinking.  He is still in tons of pain.  The thigh continues to swell.  He doesn't have a big appetite but has cravings--- last night at 10:30 pm he asked me to take him to the grocery store to get a donut (Katie was still awake and she came with us also) and so that we could spend time together wandering around the store (Katie pushed him in his wheelchair - we laugh at ourselves because we find ourselves calling it a "stroller" all the time- I guess we've been parents of young children for a long time. lol).  As Katie pushed him in the wheel chair (almost running him into everything) I walked next to Chris and we held hands.  I'm sure the whole thing looked a little silly - but it was special to me.  Something I won't forget.  He doesn't leave his bed much - it just hurts to much.  He saves his energy for getting up to use the rest room.  The nurse talked about a decatheter and he said "not yet."  Last night was hard for me as I sent Chris, Ryan, Taylor and Jacob (my brother John and friend Randy went also to help out) to the priesthood session.  This was the first time all three boys got to go.  Usually, they go out to eat afterwards but Chris could only stay for thirty minutes til the pain became to much so Rye drove him home.  Then Rye went back to the stake center.  Thinking about my boys not having a father to go with and have those memories of being together - kill me.  My heart breaks.  My brother and brother in law have reassured me that they will look out for my boys and will take them.  It just hurts.  This is when I am reminded that this isn't how my life was suppose to go.  I had different plans:) 
This week I've been busy with dentist and doctor appointments.  Tay has one cavity, everyone else none:)  Jacob went for his scout physical (in July).  Got to do it while I have insurance.  We also went to get Rye's TB test and of course they were out of them!!!  The nurse said that they had a lot of perspective missionaries come in this week.  Grrrr.. is all I can say. 
Wednesday, I went to take Jacob to his violin lesson and he burst into tears.  We talked and he told me that he just can't play that song.  That he would never be able to play it again without crying and being sad.  I told him that it was alright.  Whatever he wanted.  He went up to the door of his teacher and told her that he wouldn't be coming anymore and thanked her.  (Let me know if your child needs a violin teacher - she is amazing!!) and ......Taylor decided that he was quitting Track.  He said that he was just to tired after school. :(:(
Coooool   story:  my brother went downtown to get his haircut at a barber shop by the Conference Center.  As he was getting his haircut Elder Holland came in and got his haircut:)  The two of them started talking and my brother started telling him about are family.  In the end Elder Holland told my brother that he would be adding are families name to his prayer that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucky, lucky me - he's one of my favorites:)  Conference was AMAZING like always.  I think I enjoyed the Sunday morning session the best. 
Tender moment I don't want to forget - right now Katie is in on the bed with Chris reading him a book:)
Please forgive me if you don't get a reply from me or we don't call you back - Chris does a lot of sleeping and I try to get the phone calls returned when he wakes up but he's pretty good at falling asleep again quickly.  It's wonderful - so many.  It's just that so many means time away from other things that I need to do, for example - laundry (yuck!!).  Also, I started working from home.  I work for Chick fil A - they came after me and asked me to be in charge of their stores "Spirit Nights" I make lots of phone calls (fliers, count out stickers, get the cow to functions) to schools and PTA's (which I absolutely love!!!:) After Chris passes away I think that I will go and get myself hired by a few other stores.  This job is "sooo Meeee" I love to talk on the phone and I love schools and PTA's so I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. lolol.  Also my kids are off track and I like to spend time with them doing things outside the house so Chris can rest.  I'm just trying to keep up with life.  Man it's hard!!!!  But I want you to know that your words mean a lot to us.  We love all of you and are so grateful for your friendship.  Keep us in your prayers.  Pray that Chris will pass soon so that he can be out of pain.  He has so many people that will greet him on the other side that he will be fine.  Like going from one room to the other.  We will be sad but we will also smile knowing that he isn't in any more pain.  It is soooo hard to watch your best friend in pain, and knowing that there is NOTHING that you can do to help them.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

I know I haven't written for a while and wayyyyyyy wayyyy to much has happened since then.  But as of March 22 Chris went on Hospice.  He is in TONS and TONS of pain.  He takes a lot of pain meds which isn't like him but the pain is so intense.  He doesn't want to be totally drugged yet.  He weighs 137 pounds (at 6 feet tall), the tumor in his neck is HUGE.  It is cutting into his vocal chords which makes it hard for him to talk - and when he does it sounds like he is angry.  The tumor in his groin is also HUGE.  He looks like an Ethiopian - you can see all his ribs and his shoulder blades. makes me cry.  His left thigh is swollen.  It's HUGE he is just about to the point where he can't wear pants because his thigh is so big.  He sleeps a lot. 
A few weeks ago the mission president emailed me and said that "he felt that Sister Wach and her father needed to Skype"  I asked the mission president if Sister Wach could please call instead.  I didn't want her to remember her father the way he looks now.  I want her to remember him last year at this time when we took family pictures before she left (which April 3rd is her one year mark!!!)  Chris was very tired as he talked to her.  I put it on speaker phone so that I could help out.  He told her that he was proud of her, he loved her and that she wasn't to come home for his funeral - that that day she was to work even harder and let others know about the plan of salvation.  Meg ended by saying "dad I expect you to come and visit me!!"  It was a hard call but I am so grateful for the mission president and him being in tune with the spirit.
Ryan is almost done with his mission paperwork.  I was trying to get it done before Chris died so that he could be part of the fun (on this side of the veil) but he will just have to cheer from his side.  I need Ryan to be an Elder by May 31st when Katie gets baptized.  If he is an Elder he can baptize her and give her the gift of the holy ghost which would be totally awesome because it came from Chris.
Sunday, March 23rd Chris wanted to go to church early and say "good bye" to everyone in the ward.  Just in case he couldn't get out of bed to come. He wanted us to come thirty minutes early.  Which worked out great because it was ward conference and the primary was to sing before church started.  So, Chris got to hear Katie sing and then Rye blessed the sacrament, Tay and Jacob passed and Tay passed the bread and water to Chris.  It was very touching.  After the sacrament I took Chris home.  That's all he can take because of the pain.  He uses a wheel chair and has a shower chair in the bath tub.  Sunday, March 30th Chris went up and bore his testimony in sacrament meeting.  No dry eyes in the place:( 
Today, Katie asked me "will we ever be happy again?"  Tay has been practicing Taps on his trumpet so that he can play it at the graveside (that is what Chris wanted) and Jacob has been practicing "If I were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof on his violin (another thing Chris wanted). Chris' brother David died on January 29th (Tay's bday).  Chris and I flew up to OR (Chris could have never made the 12 hour trip there and 12 hours back in the car).  Chris gave the Plan of Salvation talk which I video taped - and so Chris will give his own talk at his funeral.
We have been struggling with insurance companies.  When we went to are last doctor's appointment the patient advocate pulled us in her office and told us that we had about $100,000 in unpaid bills that hadn't been paid since August.  That "no one" was paying.  We thought we had Medicare as primary and Blue Cross Blue Shield as secondary.  Wellllllll.... who knows what happened but the two of them have been fighting about who pays.  So, for two days I couldn't eat or sleep!!!  We finally got a hold of a person "who cared" (after being on the phone for 6 hours one day - and getting NO WHERE).  She emailed us paperwork, we emailed it back and she said it would take about three weeks.  She hoped that Medicare would back pay everything, since we were suppose to be on it.  I spoke with are patient advocate and she said that if they didn't pay that she would ask the drug companies to pay for the chemo drugs and they would wave the doctor's fees.  We are still waiting to see what happens.  Chris and I have cried a lot.  Poor Chris especially - leaving his family in debt because of him.  We still have a week and a half before we should know anything.  Chris had wanted to do radiation on his hip to help with the pain but because of not knowing who was going to pay he decided to go on hospice so that he could still be seen by a doc and get his meds.  We had hoped that he would be able to get off of hospice but it doesn't look like that is what is going to happen.
If you want to say "good bye" to Chris I wouldn't wait to long.  Last night the social worker brought over a paper explaining what the signs were and Chris has three of them. He wanted to make it to are 24th wedding anniversary - April 13th but that is doubtful.
We no longer wish him to stay here on earth.  He is and has suffered soooo much in the past five years that we just hope that he goes quickly and without so much pain.  We are excited to think of him pain free and being greeted by so many people who love him.
Hospice brought over a kit that they call the "E kit" and we call the "death kit"  because of what is inside the box.  It's all liquid meds - things the nurse will use to prepare him to pass.  I cried when I opened it.
We are trying to "continue life as normal" but it is hard knowing that at any time Chris will be gone.  Sad but glad at the same time. 
Sorry, this has been all over the place but that's how my thoughts are at this time.  I know that I have probably forgotten to write things that I would have liked to have written but I don't have a lot of strength these days.  Five kids, a sick husband and I now work from home.  Thanks to Heavenly father and Jesus Christ I can get through this.  One day at a time.  I couldn't do this without them.  I know that they are carrying me as I struggle to do what needs to be done.  Life goes on even when you don't want it to.
Love, Ricki

Friday, June 7, 2013

Yesterday, Chris went to the radiation doctor.  He decided to do radiation.  The doc thinks that that will help with the pain in his back.  They did the "tattoos" and mappings so that next Thursday he can start.  Doc said it would probably be about a month before he feels any relief.  Side effects not to bad.  Tired, possible loose stools, stomach pain - all of which Chris already has - so, not much different than what he is already experiencing. 10-12 treatments.  He will go everyday.  Mon - Frid. until he has finished the number of treatments the doc wants him to have.  The area that is being radiated is close to the other spot that was radiated in 2008-2009 so they have to be careful not to get that spot.  The mapping will be critical.  His chest looked sooo cute:)  He had "new tattoos" that were circled in black sharpie and the old ones that they aren't going to use were circled in red with an x through them.  He was in a lot of pain yesterday:(  He also threw up.  Not sure what that was all about.  He said that his chest hurt because of the tattoos.  Not sure why anyone would willingly cause themselves pain. lol.
Today, we officially start summer!!  School out at 1:30.  Yipppeee!!!  Oh, except Tay - lol.  He starts his summer school PE class today:)   Chris has had Tay and Jacob out running so that they can be ready for cross country training (Jacob just loves to run - and I think he likes looking at the muscle in his legs - ok, showing them off. lol.)  Chris rides in the car along side Tay yelling words of encouragement.  I've got to get my video recorder out and film it.:):)  As I wrote before we have a lot of exciting things happening in the next week - wedding reception of Megs friend, Dakota's brother getting his endowments out, his farewell, Meg's best friend Tressa getting her endowments out and her farewell, eye doctor appointments, Tay PE class, cross country training starts at the high school on Monday, Chris' radiation (Thursday), and best day of the week - Monday - Megs email:):) (I put pictures up of her and her companion on her blog- soo cute)
Have a great day.  Love ya,
Ricki