I'm not sure how to start this blog. It has been a verryyy loooongg day. My heart feels like it's about to break. Dr. Whizenant told us that Chris only has 6 months, maybe a year to live. There is no cure for the cancer that he has now and it is VERY aggressive. He has cancer in his back and neck. Soon it will attack his stomach or liver or both at which time it will be fatal. He explained how "the end" usually goes and made us an appointment to meet with the Hospice/Social Worker to discuss questions we have regarding what is going to happen and get counseling. Dr. Whizenant is having Chris do chemotherapy. He will do 2 weeks on 1 off. He will do this until he dies or can't take it any longer. The Dr. told Chris that he doesn't need to be a "hero" that when he needs pain pills or shots that all he needs to do is ask. He said that his back will start hurting soon. His first chemo is this Thursday, he said that it will take 5 hours and than after that they should take about 2 hours. I have cried and cried all day. How can I raise 5 children by myself? All I ever wanted to be was a stay-at-home mom who volunteered at the school and every once in a while cleaned house.
We told the children tonight. Some cried, some ran and hid. Meg went to a friends house to cry. I can't image what is running through their heads. I told them that if they needed to talk or cry to come to us and that if they felt like they couldn't that I would take them to whomever they wanted to talk too. I told them what strong, special spirits they must have been in the premortal existence. This is a reeaallyyy tough trial that they are going to go through. They don't just have a "dad" they have an "amazing dad" who makes a difference in the lives of everyone that he comes in contact with, a positive, full of life, let's play, devoted, hard working, spiritual, stubborn, great example of the church and how to live a righteous life, loves children, funny, (thinks he) knows everything (don't tell him I said that :), full of energy, a fighter, ....
It's going to be hard watching Chris become weaker and weaker.
So many of you ask what you can do for our family, what I ask is that you be patient with each of us especially my children. They are probably going to act out in negative ways or clam shut and not want to participate. Please I beg of you to put yourself in their shoes. The unknown is scary (just ask me). Be patient and loving. This "adventure" for our family is going to be long and difficult. We will get through it. I pray that we will be stronger and will learn what Heavenly Father wants us to learn. We probably won't be very reliable- please forgive us, we used to be. But I'm learning to be flexible and "go with the flow."
I have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me and my family. I know He loves each of us and is there for us. (He's going to get pretty tired of hearing from me:)
Please enjoy Chris. Thank him. Let him know how much he means to you. This has to be verryy tough on him to know that he won't watch his children grow up (I told him he had to fight hard to make it to Meg's graduation this time next year). Katie makes him the most upset, knowing that she will likely not remember him.
For those of you who work with him. Don't let him tell you that he can't go out to lunch because he "has to save money". I told him we will manage. He wants to be at work. He is a hard worker and enjoys his job. He needs to be at work that's how he copes. He wouldn't want to sit at home (I'd just nag him with a "honey do" list). It will be hard on him when the time comes that he can't work.
Pray that Chris and I can help our children (and ourselves) cope with the "adventure" that we are on. We love you all.
Love, Ricki