Sorry I couldn't write yesterday I just couldn't stop crying so I gave myself a day to "try to compose" myself. It was a busy yet enjoyable weekend (hence the crying). Friday, we played at Chuck E. Cheese (I can't stand the place). Chris always has a great time trying out machines to see which one will give him the most tickets. He found one and proceeded to get over a thousand tickets so that he could buy Katie and her girl cousins each a Tinkerbell bag. He was tired but had a great time spoiling his family. The place brought back lots of memories. We started going there when Megan turned one and Chris has begged one of our children to go there every year since:)
Saturday, we had Chris' bday party. I was at the place setting up while one of Chris' friends brought him to the party. It was a lot of fun to see so many people that we don't get to see very often (and that we do:) We just talked, ate and signed bday cards for Chris. He was verrryyy tired. Thank you to all of you who helped me (food, set up, clean up, balloons, cards etc) I couldn't have done it without you!!! Thank you, thank you! After the party our family decided to go out to eat. Poor Chris wasn't really up to it but I know he didn't want to be a party pooper. At the restaurant they brought Chris and Katie each a big slice of ice cream cake. After that we went home and I went and rented us a movie to watch as a family. It turned out to be a nice day/evening. I just felt bad that we completely wore Chris out. I did hold myself together pretty well. I think it hit me at the restaurant that at some point in time if I wanted to go out to eat I would be taking 5 children alone and that this was the "last bday" celebration for Chris.
Sunday, I was OK until in Sacrament a women bore her testimony about eternal families. Then watching Chris try to get up - he was in sooo much pain and is now walking lopsided because his back is hurting him. That started the flood gates. Then in Primary Opening Exercises Katie gave her first prayer which Chris helped her with. Then we sang "I Love to see the Temple" -one of our favorites, Katie knows every word and sings it loudly:) After that I was a mess. But then of course we are practicing for Father's Day a father's day song that the kids will sing in Sacrament. Just thinking about this being the last Father's Day and what next year will bring (we won't be going to church -sorry) and how Taylor and Jacob are feeling being older and knowing what is ahead made me cry harder. I had to leave Primary to get myself together. It is amazing how EVERYTHING is connected. Chris and I have been together for over 20 years. EVERYTHING means something. I won't be able to listen to the radio, look in our closet, drive his car, smell Polo. . . .
He wanted me to get a job where he works but I told him "No Way!!" He has worked there for about seven years. I would wonder if I was parking in a spot that he had. Or at the cafeteria knowing that he had gotten a drink at that same dispenser. Knowing the same people. Did he ever sit at this desk? Ya, No I would be a mess everyday before I started working.
So no one knows exactly when our "6 months" started. The way Chris has been feeling the last two days makes us think that it started at least 2 months ago. From what the doctor told us at month 3 and 4 his back would start hurting and he would be in pain. It breaks my heart to watch him move around. It looks so painful.
Just for a good laugh ("I will not cry!!") I got my test results back. Everything is fine except that something (can't remember what) is to high in my liver so they want to run more tests. So next week I get to hang out at the doctors office. I am going to call the nurse today and ask her exactly what she said to me. I was kind of in shock. The word "liver" and "more tests" kind of scare me. I'm sure that it's nothing. There is NNNNNOOOOOO WWWWAY I am leaving 5 children here on earth without a mother or father.
For Family Home Evening last night we watched a video specifically written for children who have a parent with cancer and how to cope. Older kids were ornery about watching it but I believe that the information in the DVD was important for them to hear. Then we had a discussion and answered questions. I was pleased to hear that they know a lot more "correct" information than I was thinking. They are all a wreck in their own way but we will get through this and be better people for it. I appreciate those of you who have lost a parent when you were young sharing that information with my children. I think that it helps to see that others have gone through it and been successful in their lives - made it through. Not easy. But you made it.

Tonight Meg has her track meet banquet (more tears from me) and tomorrow night Ryan has his school choir concert (more tears). Thursday, Chris will do all that he can to play at recess with the kids -they think that is just the coolest thing (more tears). Friday, I think I'm OK, nothing happening. Saturday, the Walk for the Wach's - TONS of tears!! It will be alot of fun I am looking forward to it. So much time and energy has gone into this. Words can not express how I feel. You all are AMAZING!!! We love you tons and are sooo grateful to have friends like you.:)
Love always, Ricki